• PA doesn’t care at all that PB uses it.
• PA doesn’t expect to get to use it when PB is already using it just because it belongs to PA.
• PB denies that it was ever PA’s.
• PB refuses to use the pillow if it belongs to PA, because PB thinks that means PB “owes something” to PA then.
• PA still finds it important that it is acknowledged that the pillow was originally PA’s, and remains so, though PA REALLY DOESN’T CARE IF PB USES IT.
• PA doesn’t need it in the bed, so that isn’t an issue.
• PA and PB are totally childish.
• PA and PB are completely over all of this but here I am, still writing about it.
• The pillow totally still belongs to PA, DAMNIT.

Signed,

Person A

The books will be on their way to you next week- let me know if you want to change your picks!

***

Now, I need you guys to weigh in on something for me (and Geoff, though he doesn’t know it). I don’t want to tell you who is who in the (MOST) ridiculous argument (EVER) we had last night, so I’m going to tell you a story about Person A (PA) and Person B (PB).

You see, PA had a pillow. 2 pillows, in fact, in the bed that PA shared with PB. PB also had 2 pillows. PA brought one of their two pillows out to the couch to use, quite some time ago, and it has pretty much remained there. However, PB is the person that uses it most. It’s now quite a bit of time later- who does that pillow belong to? PA or PB?

The bigger question: OMFG DOES IT EVEN MATTER???

And YES. This is seriously something I spent time arguing about last night while cranky and stressed and tired and hot because it was 90+ degrees here yesterday and we’re moving and there are 24789357 things to do for that move.

As part of my job I get to host authors on campus and because of that I have quite the stack of eclectic books I’m offering up to one of you. Here are the choices:

• Fargo Rock City
• A Hologram For The King
• Outliers
• My Own Country
• Hunger
• March
• One Bullet Away
• The Violence of Peace
• The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down
• Strength In What Remains
• Mountains Beyond Mountains
• The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao
• Drinking Coffee Elsewhere

Now, leave me a comment about which two (2) of the above books you would be interested in receiving. I’ll let Hayley pick a random number from a hat and send off the books to the winner. And because I feel like it, I’ll also include a DVD copy of a documentary with the winner’s books. “Entries” (gosh, I feel like an imposter) can be made until 12noon on Monday, April 29, 2013. Your chances are pretty good since I’m anticipating just a handful of comments, so test your luck! Please make sure I have some way of contacting you if you are selected. If you guys like this sort of thing I can do it more often. I have a lot of books….

Friday wasn’t too terrible. I cried watching my children hug each other a ridiculous number of times. I almost barfed while watching an episode of Law and Order: SVU. I gave both kids an extra cookie after dinner. I tried really, really hard to not get too caught up thinking about that Friday a year ago.

Today I woke up with an anxiety attack. Ever since I started some medication my anxiety had been SO much more manageable, but this past week I’ve noticed some of my old triggers were much stronger than they had been in months. My usual coping techniques weren’t as effective. The anxiety this morning was about the kids safety. It always is. They were both asleep. Damien was just 3 feet or so from me, and I still worried. I went and checked on Hayley, who was sleeping peacefully in her room. I know I’ll always worry to some degree about my kids, that’s just part of the deal when you become a parent, but I hope the anxiety subsides a bit again once we make it to Sunday.

The thing that heals me the best is just being with and taking care of my family. We’re all together. We’re safe, fed, housed, loved. Geoff and I talked, a few weeks ago, about what we wanted to do today. We didn’t want to “celebrate” anything. We also didn’t want to sit around and mope. We decided we just wanted it to be a normal day. We wanted to be together. But through it all we were always so worried about keeping things as normal as possible for the kids, and to them today is just Saturday. I’m so thankful for that. They have no idea. Hayley talks about that time in passing, sometimes. She’ll mention “that time we were at grandma’s for a long time”, but she still doesn’t know the why. She doesn’t know it’s been a year. Damien doesn’t know anything beyond how loved he is. So thankful.

So this morning we had breakfast at home, then made our weekend trip to the grocery store. We stopped at the post office, then Starbucks, before returning home.

It’s then that I opened the package Rachel sent, on behalf of herself and my amazing little corner of the internet. The last thing I expected to feel today is lucky, but that’s just how I feel. I’m lucky to have my family. I’m lucky my kids were young. I’m lucky we’re a strong family, backed by an equally strong extended family. I’m lucky to have had the resources to hire the best lawyer possible. I’m lucky to have been allowed to move in with my mom and the kids. I’m lucky to have had a strong marriage to begin with, and an impenetrable one now. I’m lucky everything moved so “fast”. I’m lucky I was never alone. I’m lucky to have the best friends in the world. I’m lucky to have you. I.am.lucky.

I took Hayley to her ballet/tap class and we picked up lunch on the way home. When Damien is up from his nap we’re going to go to Target and shop for summer clothes for the kids. We’ll come home and I’ll make dinner. We’re going to make some popcorn and watch a movie as a family before bedtime. So, maybe I was wrong before. Maybe I DO want to celebrate. I want to celebrate my life. Celebrate our family, my loves. And the very best way for me to do that is by giving my kids just another Saturday.

• A month or so ago I decided that Sunday nights would be special dinner nights for my little family of four. I like to cook, but I get in a rut and take the easy way out too often. So Sunday is the day for me to try new recipes, new ingredients, and  make things that normally take way too long for a weeknight. We’ve been doing things like slow cooked ribs, corned beef brisket, a ham, and so on and so on. I usually also take the time to make homemade sides like buttermilk biscuits, soda bread, and such. Dessert is a must, too. Last night was strawberry shortcakes (easily the best I’ve ever had). Sundays are totally my favorite day of the week now. Easily.
• I’m still working on finding and buying clothes I love. Right now I’m focusing on shoes, flats specifically, and I have a pair of yellow ballet flats from Lucky arriving on Wednesday. Very excited to see if they work out- I got them on deep discount: $23 shipped! Also, I’m concerned my teal cords are becoming my “Monday pants” because they have been my go-to on those Monday mornings when I don’t want to get out of bed. They are just so comfortable! After shoes I need to really focus on basic tops and some dresses. I prefer a dress with sleeves, particularly 3/4 length, and that’s hard to find. I know I can add a cardigan to a sleeveless dress, and I do, but it doesn’t look as great on me as it does others.
• Today is the one year anniversary of my returning to work from my maternity leave with Damien. Which means this Friday is the one year anniversary of….yeah.
• We’re looking to move pretty soon. We need more space- specifically a 3rd bedroom for Damien. We’re going to move about 20 minutes away, which wont add too much time to anything other than visiting my mom- but the extra 15 minutes that will cost us is worth it, we’ve decided. It’s a more affordable (haaaaaa) area where we’ll get more for our money than if we stay in our current neighborhood. We love our location, but we could get a yard! a garage!
• I am completely obsessed with iced caramel macchiatos from Starbucks. They have replaced my trusty standby of an iced vanilla latte and I think the Starbucks at my grocery store took note- they are offering the beverage for just $2 lately which has resulted in way too many trips.
• Hayley’s preschool took real school pictures and all I can say about that is OMG I’M FUCKED WHEN SHE’S OLDER.
• When do you start teaching kids to read? And, um, how’s that all go down exactly?
• I got my first ever bonus in this position (it’s been about 3 1/2 years) and I’m daydreaming about how I’ll spend it.
• Damien correctly and purposefully says “Thank you”. My job here is complete.
• I really want to take a vacation with either just my husband or my whole little family. It’s not in the cards for us this year, so I’m consoling myself with a couple of little trips I have this year as well as visits from some of my favorites coming up. Just for the record, I think you should come visit me, too.

I didn’t realize just how much this was affecting my mood, my confidence, and my opinion on my self worth. That sounds really dramatic. I know. BUT IT’S TRUUUUUE. It wasn’t until I was in some new (non-maternity!) pants that I realized just how true this is for me. I suddenly felt cute! I felt put together! I felt more mature! I felt confident! All because of some pants. Huh.

I’m turning 30 later this year and I’m feeling ready to like myself. That’s a novel idea, no? I’m ready to put some effort into how I look and how I present myself to the world. Not because of what other people will think, but because of how it makes ME feel. I’m done with buying clothes that will just make do- either because they are inexpensive or because I’m ashamed about how many things I have to try on that don’t fit before I find what I’m looking for. I need to change what I’m looking for. And where I look for things. I wish I had a ton of cash to devote to this, but I so don’t so it’ll take me time to get there, but I’m ok with that. Mostly. Damn, I really need some new tops.

So. I now have 5 pairs of pants that fit me, are comfortable, and that I love. I haven’t felt that way about pants in YEARS. They are all Lucky Brand. Actually, Lucky made a new plus size line with fuller cuts that fit me really, really well. They are midrise, have good pocket placement for me and my only complaint is they don’t offer them with shorter inseams. (My local tailor is thrilled, however.) I have 2 pairs of bootcut jeans, both in darker washes, and then I went out on a limb and tried a few pairs of skinny jeans. I was hesitant (extrememly so!) but I found some REALLY great deals and went for it. I’m so glad I did! It’s still taking me some adjusting, but I love them. Lucky makes the most comfortable jeans/pants I’ve ever worn and I’ve felt like I was wearing pjs. It’s been so nice!

Not only did I go out of my comfort zone trying this new cut, but they are all in bold and different matterials for me. I got a pair of teal cords, cranberry jeans and a kind of silver/black jean blend. Here they are:

macys.com

zappos.com

zappos.com

Ok, so my question to you all is: what colors can/should I wear with the teal cords and the cranberry jeans? Because so far all I’ve got is black and white, and I bet you guys are way better at this.

When Hayley turned one she had a cupcake party.

And the love affair began.

Can’t really go wrong with cupcakes.

When she turned two it was milk and cookies.

Bonus picture from the mini photo shoot we did for her invites, because, COME ON.

This doesn’t really show the awesome milk bottles and 3 flavors of milk we also served. Kids used food markers to decorate those iced sugar cookies- great party activity!

Then last year, a month after her brother was born, we had a tea party to celebrate three.

We used a lot of my great grandmother’s tea cups for the affair.

Gosh I loved these cupcakes.

This year I had TWO kid parties to throw and, oh, it was so much fun. Indulge me, will you?

Very soon after Damien was born I started to think about his first birthday party. Now, listen, I know first birthday parties are kind of silly to a lot of people, but to me it is an occasion to celebrate our first year with the newest member of our family. It’s a big deal to me, as a mother, and I go into it knowing the whole deal is more for me than the kid, who has no real clue what is going on. I know that. I’m more than ok with that! I LIKE this stuff, ok?

Ahem. So I started thinking about the party really early on and decided I wanted to do a monster theme. I wanted it to be cute and still appropriate for a baby, but monsters it would be! Once I really started planning I found out that the monster theme maybe wasnt going to be as easy as I’d thought. But that’s ok! I was up for the challenge. I had some luck at Michaels, and I ordered a few things from Oriental Trading Company and while it didn’t all exactly match I think it all worked pretty well!

While I do LOVE to throw these parties, space is always an issue. Both the kids have their birthday during the winter which means we can’t count on using any outside space and staying indoors is really limiting. Aside from Hayley’s first two birthdays, all of the other parties have been small and family only. We’re talking a dozen people here. Small and pretty low-key. Keeping it small means I’m able to do most of the food myself (we ordered some pizza for Damien’s party) which saves a lot of money. So, armed with all my decorations and ideas I stole from all over the place, Damien had his monster themed birthday party!

These cupcakes were a tad time-consuming but totally worth it, I think!

I figured if I put enough wiggly eye stickers (and candies) on things that things would start to look monster-ish.

See?

I’m also one to dress my kids up to match the theme. Don’t judge me.

Look at those BOOTS!

While I made cupcakes for all the guests, I made Damien a little “smash cake” that I thought he’d love. He wasn’t really sure what to do with it at first. But then he got a taste and, well, his world was rocked.

Stare down.

You guys! Cake is awesome!

So, Damien won’t remember the party. But we will, and he’ll get to look back at pictures someday and see how loved he is and how excited we were to celebrate all that he adds to our family. And in the moment? I think he enjoyed himself.

Worth it.

A little over a month later it was time for Hayley’s 4th birthday. This was the first year where she had definite opinions on her party: she wanted a candy-themed tea party. Ok then!  She also was very specific about the food. We would have tuna sandwiches, chocolate filled strawberries, blueberry scones, tea cookies, iced tea, and a (BIG!) (chocolate and strawberry!) cake. And candy. Don’t forget the candy, mom.

I really can’t fault her on the scones request. I mean, really.

I had lots of decorations and ideas from the previous years’ tea party, but I needed to find a way to balance the bright colors and cheer of a candy party with the femininity and class of a tea party. I had a really hard time finding my direction, so one afternoon I went for a walk in Party City and I picked out some plates and napkins and suddenly I had a plan! Well, the beginnings of one anyway. Over the next few weeks I accumulated the rest of my supplies and started feeling pretty confident.

The one thing that kept throwing me for a loop was the cake. I had SO MANY IDEAS. Poor Geoff looked at so many pictures and stuff as I changed my mind 12 times a day. Many of the ideas I had were extremely tedious and would end up being pretty expensive. I finally decided to cut myself a break and cover the cake in bright rainbow colored sprinkles easy, festive, and it felt like it fit with the rest of the party. I used some washi tape and bakers twine to make a little flag banner for the cake (and some sandwich picks), which saved me some more money and was painfully simple to do. All in all, I’m pretty pleased with how it all came together in the end.

All the colors! Everywhere!

That tea-pot filled with flowers was a last minute touch that ended up being my favorite, I think.

Hayley was really happy with it all and the cake ended up being a big hit. All four layers of it.

I ate a big slice last night while watching the Oscars.

And again, this face?

Extra worth it.

The only problem now is I’m out of kids. I have a whole 11 months before the next party. Can I come throw a party at your house? Pretty please??

***

No, really. Can I? No? Ok, then can I give you some ideas? Are you stuck on something for a party you’re hosting? Do you have any questions about any of the stuff I’ve done? COME ON, I need my kid (or non kid!) party fix!

You celebrated with your class on Valentine’s Day.

When I was a little girl, my mom used to tell me, “I hope you get a girl JUST like you someday!” She usually said this when I was in trouble, but I know now that she meant it for all the joyful reasons, too. And you know what? In so many ways you ARE just like me. I can understand you in a way your dad can’t, and it’s because we share the same thought processes, sensitivities, and compassion. You drive him crazy sometimes, and I’ve started to almost take it personal because all those things that drive him wild? Yeah, I get it. I know where it comes from and I just have so much empathy for what goes on in your amazing little head and ginormous heart.

Maybe because we are so alike, you have become a total mama’s girl these past few months. It used to be you wanted me when you were sick, but otherwise either mom or dad would do. But these days it is all mom all the time. You call your times with me “Mama Time” and I call them the best parts of my day. You tend to be extremely affectionate with me, often just stopping by to plant three kisses (each cheek then the lips) before continuing on your way. You used to talk a lot about being a mom someday, and I’d enthusiastically support this notion and tell you I’d love to be a grandma someday. You thought about this some more and now consistently announce you want to be a mom with no kids. You don’t want to have kids because then I’ll be a grandma. You haven’t quite grasped that no matter what else I may be, I will ALWAYS be your mama.

You spent one morning a week at gymnastics most of this past year. At first you were shy and observant, declining to participate at times. Then you started preschool- oh, how you love school- and you blossomed. Suddenly you are friendly and braver than ever before in all areas of your life. After a few quarters of gymnastics you decided to give ballet a shot. I adored taking you to our local dance shop and picking out tutus and ballet shoes and I will never forget how proud I was on that first day when you didn’t bat an eye as I slipped out the door, leaving you with your new class and instructor. I peeked in later and you were prancing around with a little stuffed animal on your head to practice your balance. You truly are coming into your own, and I’m so lucky to be along for the ride.

Just stop with the growing up already, ok?

You continue to love all things space, especially the moon- your Luna. On the first day of preschool I asked you what you wanted to be and you shouted “An astronaut!” without hesitation. You search the sky for the moon nightly, and study the apps your dad downloaded on the tablet for you. You know all the planets by sight, and most of the moons, and you like to tell me about the satellites like Pioneer. I think we can go ahead and call it: you know way more about all this stuff than I ever have and likely ever will.

You continue to love to play dress up and pretending to be a princess. You have dozens of costumes to choose from but you pretty much insist on being a princess at all times. When you play, we all have to play along with you. Depending on your character, we all have our supporting roles to play. You always include your brother, and its the cutest thing I’ve ever seen- his Gus-Gus to your Cinderella. That boy loves you, Hayley, and you’re a lucky girl for it.

You’ve discovered Tinkerbell and fairies this year and lately we’ve been watching a Tinkerbell movie daily (at least).

You still love to read. Some of your current favorites are the Olivia books, the Pinkilicious books, and your various Disney collections that we read from nightly.

This past Valentine’s Day you made me a card at school that I’ll keep forever. Your teacher asked you what you like to do with me and you had her write down, “I like to bake cookies and cupcakes with sprinkles and cherries on them with my mom. I love snuggling in bed in the morning for ‘Mama Time’.” That bit about baking? That has been a concentrated effort on my part since you were little. I LOVE to cook and bake with you, and we do so regularly. The fact that it is starting to mean as much to you as it always has to me? Indescribable.

I talk to you about the future a lot, Hayley. Sometimes it’s the near future, our plans for the week or how we hope to move this summer, but we talk about the more distant future often, too. We talk about where you want to go to college. You have your wedding all planned out. When we talk about these far away days I inevitably ask you, again, what you want to be when you grow up and your answer these last few months hasn’t wavered, “I just want to be me. I want to be Hayley.”

I think you could heal the world with that smile of yours.

And Hayley, my love, is all I ever want you to be. Happy Birthday, sweetheart.

Love,

Mama

Today, you turn one. It has been one full year since you completed our little family. One full year since I first met you, my son, my love. It’s almost hard for me to remember a time before your little face lit up the world and your loud belly laugh filled our home. I don’t want to remember that time all too much, because we’re all happier now that you’re here.

I can’t even look at these pictures without crying.

Just hours old.

The night before you were born, I made cupcakes with your sister to celebrate your birth day. That sister of yours loves you something fierce; you lucked out with that one. You’ve always adored Hayley, and she’s been smitten with you ever since you first met.

One of my most favorite moments, ever

Since that first meeting between you two, you have been almost inseparable. Hayley loves to make you laugh- and you are happy to reward her with your infectious giggles. You guys hold hands in the car, and if you start crying she tries to calm you by singing some of her favorite songs. She’s still learning to share her things, but it would probably be easier if you tried to drool a little less, Bubs.  The very best thing I ever gave both of you is each other, and I hope that always continues to be true.

She still looks at you like that…

…see?

I wish your first year could have been easier for you, for us, but I don’t want to dwell on any of that right now. It doesn’t matter right now. You’re safe. You’re healthy. You’re here. You’re happy. You’re you.

And “you” happens to be all I ever want you to be.

You have had lots of first, appropriately enough, so let’s review a few:

You had your first smiles, at less than a week old. We thought maybe they were a fluke, but, nope, you smiled constantly and consistently. I can still always count on you for that.

The best.

You had your first communication, besides crying. This is how you told me you were hungry:

Surprisingly effective, Bubs.

Your first ridiculous costume.

I’m not sorry about that one, not even a little bit.

Your first baseball season.

Go Sox!

Then there was Easter.

Followed by some heartbreak, but you were such a trooper.

I’ll do anything for you, my love. Anything. Always.

Your first time on the swings.

Yeah, I think you enjoyed that day.

Your first solid.

That day was a hit, too.

This is about when I realized I was in trouble.

You were born ready to GO!

Your first Independence Day.

You weren’t all that impressed with this one, actually.

You might not have taken note, but your half birthday was definitely considered by me.

I love your squishy little face.

Then you did this:

Noooooo!

Then you came home.

And I wept with happiness.

Oh, and you decided that was the perfect day to start crawling for real.

(It was.)

You played your first game of Hide-and-Seek:

Excellent work.

Your first self feeding.

You’re pretty much a fan whenever food is concerned.

Well, except for lemons.

You started doing this pretty regularly by 7 months:

It was so cute I had a hard time being upset.

You finally met your Uncle Gabe.

I think he liked you, too.

You went down the slide for the first time.

That sister of yours loves showing you new things.

We went to your first pumpkin patch.

You weren’t impressed.

We went to Disneyland and had the times of our lives.

Happy.

First visit.

Smitten.

Does Belle know about this?

I think you may have a type.

Then it was your first Halloween:

That tail!

Then there was your first Thanksgiving, which you were sick for.

I think it might have been better this way. Staying home, not the sick part.

We went to visit Santa.

It wasn’t as bad as you made it look.

I mean, you guys still weren’t thrilled or anything.

You started walking, at barely 11 months, at Grandma’s, the night before she went in for treatment.

More good timing on your part.

Then it was your first Christmas.

You were all over the ripping stuff.

We’re declaring this your first favorite game.

We play peek-a-boo a million times a day, and it is never enough. For either of us.

First visit to the park as a walker.

There’s a whole world just waiting for you, Damien.

The first time you discovered the wonders of a french fry.

Another hit.

And now, here we are. About to celebrate your birthday.

My little monster.

Not all of these pictures may seem like big and important milestones, but that’s what you’ve taught me this year. Life isn’t just about the over the top, it is about those small moments of happiness that add up to a big and full life. It is about celebrating the everyday and the mundane, along with the magnificent. It took you, my son, for me to understand this. And I look forward to each and every moment, big or small, still to come with you.

“I love my boy, my little tiny boy.”

Love,

Mama

I’ll post a letter to Damien tomorrow, but right now I’m reflecting on the past year and I’m surprised to find that this past year, more than any other time in my life, I’ve had more moments of stepping back and just realizing how happy and lucky I am. I find that shocking, actually, but it’s absolutely true. I’m not sure if I needed the bad to really appreciate the little moments, or if I had all these moments despite also having experiences the greatest heartaches of my life this past year. Either way, I feel content in so many ways. I love my family. I love my family so hard, you guys. I think they are sick of seeing me with my goofy grin all the time. I can’t help it. I feel like this is just perfect- the four of us. This is how it was always supposed to be. My children amaze me. My husband amazes me. The fact that I get to spend the rest of my life with these guys? Well, I’m the luckiest girl in the world. And I know it.